i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
