I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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