i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
