My cat gives me a boner
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
