The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
