wakey wakey hands off snakey
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
