the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
