When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm both gender and math confused
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
