I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
