I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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