If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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