I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
