she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
