last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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