No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
