Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
