I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
