____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
