i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So here I am, sexting at work.
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