this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
