Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize