I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
