I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
