he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
