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Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
