My cat gives me a boner
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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