I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
