My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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