I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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