Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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