my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
