life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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