I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
