Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
