who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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