So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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