I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How does one acquire holy water?
These tits shall not be calmed
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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