Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
