wakey wakey hands off snakey
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
