The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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