And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
