they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
