I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
