I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That accounts for only three of the penises
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
