Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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