So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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