Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
