I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
