This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
