I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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