Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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