Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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