i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
