dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
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