is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
