I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
