That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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