I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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