what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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