i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Randomize
