True but thats because hes a fetus.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize