I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Randomize
