I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
