He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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