Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
