Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Randomize
